Joke thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jeeter, Sep 8, 2016.

  1. elgatoloco

    elgatoloco Member

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  2. evilunclegrimace

    evilunclegrimace Member

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    That turtle looks kinda pissed.
     
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  3. jeeter

    jeeter Member

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    Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
    A: Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
    A: A hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
     
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  4. Expat

    Expat Expat™ Knives Staff Member

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  5. Expat

    Expat Expat™ Knives Staff Member

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    This guy takes his wife and mother in law on a safari. The first night, his wife wakes him up frantic. They go out of their tent and see the mother in law backed up against a thorn bush by a gigantic lion. The lion is very close to the mother in law and is roaring ferociously.

    The wife is panicking, "What are we going to do?!?!"

    The husband replies, "The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it."
     
  6. Bluelew

    Bluelew Member

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    how old should a highway be when you tell it it's adopted?
     
  7. Bluelew

    Bluelew Member

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    two nuns walked into a bar, the third one ducked
     
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  8. Baldcutnut

    Baldcutnut Member

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    A man with a hard on falls out of bed and breaks his penis, so he goes to the emergency room and the doc says I have to put that in a cast. The man panics and tells the doc I am getting married in a week and do not want it in a cast, so the doc says he can put a wooden splint on that the man can take off if he's careful.

    The man gets married and they go on the honeymoon, the wife comes out of the bathroom and gives a little speech. She says these breast have never been fondled by any man and this vagina has never been seen by any man until now.

    The man jumps out from under the covers and says, see this penis it's not even out of the crate yet .
     
  9. Mountainmistwanderer

    Mountainmistwanderer Member

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  10. indulf

    indulf Member

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  11. Sheepdog

    Sheepdog Member

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    A penguin is on a cross country drive to see his family. He hits Texas and breaks down, steam rolling from under the hood.

    Luckily, he was able to pull into a small mechanic shop. After speaking with the mechanic the penguin asks "Is there a place for me to cool down, it's awfully hot here. The mechanic says "Sure, there's an Ice Cream Shop right across the street."

    The penguin orders the house special, a big vanilla float. He has no fingers and can't use the straw because he has no lips. But, he's hot so he dives right in. The poor penguin gets the vanilla float all over himself; across his face, down his little chin, just everywhere. It's then the waitress says to him the mechanic called and has the diagnosis.

    The penguin, eager to find out what's going on with his car so he can be on his way, waddles hastily back across the street. Upon arriving the mechanic says "Dude, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin laughs and said "Naw man, it's just a little ice cream."
     
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  12. Stagehand

    Stagehand Member

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    Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

    The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."



    On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"


    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up

    drugs forever."


    "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"


    "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is
    your brain after drugs."


    "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"


    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.""Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"


    "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your anus before prison …"
     
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  13. W.Jester

    W.Jester Member

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    A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

    The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
     
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  14. Expat

    Expat Expat™ Knives Staff Member

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    When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
     
  15. Buckeye67

    Buckeye67 Member

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    So I went to the doctor today and he tells me that I have to stop masturbating.

    I said, "What the heck? Why?"

    He says, "Well, I have to examine you now."
     
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  16. Paycheck

    Paycheck Member

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    A couple comes to a restaurant.

    Waiter: What would you like to order.
    Husband: Steak....rare, please.
    Waiter: But what about mad cow?
    Husband: She can order for herself.
     
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  17. Stagehand

    Stagehand Member

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    1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald
    2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
    3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
    4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
    5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
    6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinet
    7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
    8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy Ophthalmologist
    9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
    10. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
    11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
    12. PARADOX: Two physicians
    13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
    14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
    15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
    16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
    17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
    18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
    19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
    20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
     
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  18. jeeter

    jeeter Member

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    Q: Why was the Arc de Triomphe built?
    A: So foreign armies would have something to march through.
     
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  19. DSD

    DSD Member

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    Aoutch.......;)
     
  20. Bushman5

    Bushman5 Member

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    WTF is 91Bravo doing?
     

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